This year, in an attempt to get 100 percent correct, I’ve cut my list of predictions to the ones that I’m absolutely sure will come true. Here are 14 can’t-miss predictions for 2017:
• Agricultural subsidies will come under increased scrutiny after the discovery that soylent green, one of the America’s most heavily subsidized crops, is people.
• A bipartisan coalition of Democrats and Republicans agree to filibuster a proposed bill only to discover that Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse was not introducing new legislation but merely reading the text of the U.S. Constitution.
• The mainstream media’s fascination with Pope Francis will finally end after they discover that the Pope is indeed still Catholic.
• An existential crisis brought on by constant criticism will cause the fact-checking organization Polifact to change it’s name to Pilatefact and its slogan to “What is post-truth?”
• A rogue architect will use dynamite to blow up the Cortlandt Homes housing project.
• The United Nations will be the subject of another scandal after it’s discovered that no-bid contracts were offered to Halliburton for the purchase of the UN’s fleet of Black Helicopters.
• Congress fails to pass an immigration reform bill. Hungry, job-less workers, with no discernible skills or ability to speak our language will continue to pour in from Canada.
• Donald Trump will copyright #MAGA and use the proceeds from the royalty payments to reduce the FY2017 budget deficit.
• Iraq will officially change the country’s name back to ‘Babylon’ in a successful attempt to freak out pre-millennial dispensational Evangelicals.
• After selecting “on fleek” as their Word of the Year, the Oxford English Dictionary pronounces the official death of the English language.
• Peter Jackson will announce he’s begun filming a 12-hour version of The Silmarillion in order to complete his lifelong ambition of ruining every book written by J. R. R. Tolkien.
• Twitter will join with GEICO to sell an insurance policy that provides a year’s worth of income if you are fired because of something you posted on Twitter.
• Acton senior research fellow Jordan Ballor will win the 2017 Wolfgang Musculus Award for being the only person alive who has heard of Wolfgang Musculus.
• For the 64th year in a row, political activists will once again attempt to immanentize the eschaton.