At the beginning of 2016, I compiled a list that included 1,034 predictions for the coming year. I later went through and narrowed it down to the top 500 that I was absolutely certain would happen. Even after cutting the list down, though, I only managed to achieve a 67 percent accuracy rate. (Unfortunately, I forgot to post that list in public so it is difficult to verify. You’ll just have to take my word for it.)
This year, in an attempt to get 100 percent correct, I’ve cut my list of predictions to the ones that I’m absolutely sure will come true. Here are 14 can’t-miss predictions for 2017:
• Agricultural subsidies will come under increased scrutiny after the discovery that soylent green, one of the America’s most heavily subsidized crops, is people.
• A bipartisan coalition of Democrats and Republicans agree to filibuster a proposed bill only to discover that Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse was not introducing new legislation but merely reading the text of the U.S. Constitution.
• The mainstream media’s fascination with Pope Francis will finally end after they discover that the Pope is indeed still Catholic.
• An existential crisis brought on by constant criticism will cause the fact-checking organization Polifact to change it’s name to Pilatefact and its slogan to “What is post-truth?”
• A rogue architect will use dynamite to blow up the Cortlandt Homes housing project.
• The United Nations will be the subject of another scandal after it’s discovered that no-bid contracts were offered to Halliburton for the purchase of the UN’s fleet of Black Helicopters.
• Congress fails to pass an immigration reform bill. Hungry, job-less workers, with no discernible skills or ability to speak our language will continue to pour in from Canada.
• Donald Trump will copyright #MAGA and use the proceeds from the royalty payments to reduce the FY2017 budget deficit.
• Iraq will officially change the country’s name back to ‘Babylon’ in a successful attempt to freak out pre-millennial dispensational Evangelicals.
• After selecting “on fleek” as their Word of the Year, the Oxford English Dictionary pronounces the official death of the English language.
• Peter Jackson will announce he’s begun filming a 12-hour version of The Silmarillion in order to complete his lifelong ambition of ruining every book written by J. R. R. Tolkien.
• Twitter will join with GEICO to sell an insurance policy that provides a year’s worth of income if you are fired because of something you posted on Twitter.
• Acton senior research fellow Jordan Ballor will win the 2017 Wolfgang Musculus Award for being the only person alive who has heard of Wolfgang Musculus.
• For the 64th year in a row, political activists will once again attempt to immanentize the eschaton.